He would be excited, even. This sounds like a difficult situation, so do whats best for you. Answer (1 of 25): There could be a few reasons why a husband may not want to go out with his wife. What the hell kind of business is even done in Vegas! Find an new therapist to go alone so you can undo all the damage that marriage counseling with a controlling spouse has done. should I tell my coworker about our colleagues criminal record, I deeply regret joining my companys leadership program, and more, my company is cutting my overworked teams pay as punishment for mistakes. My husband is a bit more of a homebody than I am, and he very rarely travels for work. This is truly bizarre and worrying behavior on the husbands part. The big difference is that OPs husband cant keep an eye on her when shes in Vegas. I have a friend that refuses to go to Vegas because he believes its the modern Sodom and Gomorrah. I second counseling. Right. Also deploying the well everyone else thinks youre wrong too thing is a really immature way to work through a disagreement. I just want to come back to the point about where the first fear of his that you list off, OP, is that youre going to cheat on him. Far from it I want to underline that couples counseling shouldnt be taken as being only for us problems, and that couples counseling can be very effective for problems that rest entirely in one persons lap. I agree hes not acting reasonably; but answers like therapy are a long-term solutions to an immediate problem. Its you both versus these scenarios hes building, not you versus him and his mindset. This is a pretty classic controlling partner move. To me, wholesome is about the primary purpose of the activity. Ive also recently spent a weekend away with a close friend at a lake for a swimming event, and numerous overnight trips to see my family or friends in other parts of the country. Frankly, what worked for me was meeting the team my wife was working with. My co-worker (who doesnt drink or gamble) went with their spouse a few months ago for a work conference. Yes, this. They were lost and just wanted to get back to the station, happened to see one guy had a gun and started cryingwhich caused all the guys to worriedly come over, try to calm them down, then send a guy to escort them personally to the train station. I think the reputation itself also makes people think its okay to act more crazy than they might. Counseling is a great start. Something tells me that his unofficial polling of his friends went something like this: Husband: Oh my god, can you believe the irresponsible way in which my wifes employer is taking them on a conference to Vegas. Anger can feel like a reward I always feel more assertive and more in control when Im angry than when Im anxious (and theres a lot of overlap between anger and anxiety anyway, thanks to physical arousal and adrenaline). Theres concern, and then theres overreacting. Yeah, cheating is a pretty terrible thing to accuse a partner of without any basis, and personally is an immediate dealbreaker for me. I still tease her about it. Yes, but trailer park crimes are good, upstanding crimes like cooking meth and domestic violence, and obviously those crimes are less dangerous to bystanders than being attacked by a sex criminal just for walking down the street. No, youre absolutely right. Exactly. I dont think Ive ever paid more than $200/night in Vegas, often much less even after the resort fees are tacked on. Dosomething small tobuild trust, and then your relationship will slowly but surely flourish. 7. I had to go to Vegas once a year for a few days at my last job and I hated it. Meanwhile their actual problem is almost ignored. Im pretty sure most religious counselors would see the ridiculousness of his position too. So yeah somethings just not right. So much wow. I was going to say this, the touristy areas and especially the casinos are crawling with security and cameras. Thats worrying about what other people will do TO me. Its not about what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, its about Vegas has made themselves a very strong event destination, and that includes for regular businesses.. Some people get really over the top anxious about things like this such that it becomes its own problem, maybe even more of an independent factor than the sexism thing (which kind of compounds it because its a societal trope that reinforces some of what would otherwise seem more out there on the face of it). But its a pretty serious one-off. Youre not choosing your career over your marriage when you take three days to sit in a conference hall, for chrissake. Your company wouldnt put you in harms way, and your husband should trust you enough to no cheat or do something vegasy. The weather sucks in Vegas. Conversely I dont think Ive ever paid less than $200/night for a business-class hotel in NYC, Austin, LA, etc. The kind of overwhelming, intrusive anxiety postulated here is still a control issue, 100%. it says they WOULD even let their significant others go, not wouldnt! Ding ding ding! My husband has some mental health issues (and some life experiences) that make him prone to excessive worry when I travel for work, and in my last job, I traveled A LOT. OP, I believe that professional help figuring out what exactly is going on (including ruling in or ruling out a medical cause like primary anxiety or OCD) and getting professional treatment based on that, is the best first step for you here. But in that case Anxious Controlling Husband would worry the OP would leave him for a donkey, Nothing like a donkey show joke to class up a comment thread. Yeah the strip can be crazy but so can Disney World. Marriage counselling is categorically not recommended if there is abuse. Companies dont plan things in Vegas to put their employees at risk. And people loooooove the lotto tix here. I would completely understand if my partner were worried if I needed to go on one of these trips, but if he tried to FORBID me from goingyeah, that wouldnt go well for him. 33 answers. He also accused her of sleeping with her boss constantly. Its just worth knowing that having a long list of good traits doesnt mean you arent in a problematic relationship, or that you cant choose nope for your own emotional health. Twenty. Maybe he needs counseling for anxiety. And if you go to Roppongi or Kabuki-cho and get wasted at a sketchy bar, then yeah, turns out you have greatly increased the odds that someone will steal your wallet. I know Im a good driver, and that I can handle this, but every time you have these little worry fits you make me doubt myself. Untreated anxiety is a meat grinder to relationships. I am not fond of the recent uptick in stories like this or men and women who wont go on a business lunch alone because its with a member of the opposite sex. He doesnt have friends. In no way am I saying if he does have anxiety its totally okay for him to be a controlling ass not at all. If youre seeing these things and thinking anything like I cant say that, he would freak outmarriage counseling, please. So, considering that this issue really could be either one, I suppose its no wonder were seeing a lot of both here and it feels like they arecompeting? The Rio does have huge rooms! I think this is my problem with some of the suggestions that OP should bring her husband on the trip. I dont know if this is a sexist response from jealousy? (except those gun dangers present everywhere in the US.). I dont have anything else to add to what everyone else has said except that when youre there, I HIGHLY recommend going to Gordon Ramsays BURGR at the Planet Hollywood Hotel. Yes, we were taking advantage of the fact that 19/20 year olds can go to the pub in the UK, but we were still hanging out with the professor while we did so. (Overeating or eating rich foods, drinking, drugs, gambling, or sex?) Well there it is. But no gambling! Alison doesnt usually change letter writers words, so I think itll probably stand as is. as a manager, should I not wear a childless shirt in my off-hours? Yeah, there are definitely shady parts of Vegas, in the same way are in almost every city. Surely you jest! In fact, were you inclined to cheat, you might be more likely to do so in a boring place where theres much less to do (j/k, kinda). Its just boring to us because we arent into flashy lights and gambling. Because this thing where he insults the moral character of his beloved wife based on the fact that she needs to travel for work? If your partner has been in therapy for years and isnt making progress, its very possible that their therapist doesnt have the full picture. People have stranger danger drilled into their heads, but woman are far more likely to be hurt/assaulted/murdered by a domestic partner or acquaintance. You cant leave the house, there are kidnappers everywhere! I wonder if he needs help with general anxiety rather than marriage counselling. Other than me being bored out of my skull, nothing happened! That much concern/lack of trust that his wife is going to go off and cheat on him because of what city shes in smells like projecting to me. But because a good counselor will see that there is no point and dismiss the couple. Wouldnt that bother you?. ), but yes, getting reinforcement on the anxiety (in this case from the friends the husband surveyed) can definitely make things worse. Just dont! as a 1000 decibel chorus of YES! husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. Honestly I have been to a few conferences in Vegas and I worked so much all I saw was the inside of a conference room or a hotel bed, into which I fell (alone) exhausted every night. I just point out that theres more crime in her trailer park, and she gets huffy about it. Whatever the cause, a therapist will best equipped to help. The biggest crime Ive personally witnessed is the outrageous price of food. Business trips (and business trips to Las Vegas even) are such a normal part of work life that is is totally bizarre to expect you not to go simply because of the destination. I only left the conference hotel a couple of times, always with a group, and we were in the touristy area right next to the Gaslamp district anyway. You also cannot learn anything while youre in a state of fear. This happens to me at the worst times, like when Im walking home in the evening or when Im doing chores alone around the house I get this feeling like im starting in the opening sequence of whatever creepy procedural I was watching. Each year my entire family goes to the beach at the end gets a beach house where we stay for a week. I dont understand giving up agency as an adult just because I got married. Ah, sorry, didnt say they were the only two choices! Maybe you call once a day in the evening to say hi, but otherwise tell him youre not going to be responding to messages, because youre busy with work. I only wanted to get someplace, anyplace, without slot machines. ^ +1000, this was the most mind-boggling to me as well. For the OP, this is a marriage problem. When one person in the relationship suggests separate vacations, one of three things happens. Just to give you an idea, my husband, my 10 week old, and I went to New Jersey this past weekend to see some of my husband's family. I would think about whether this fits in a pattern of other bad behavior. In fact, couples counseling can be a useful path to helping a partner address individual issues that are affecting the partnership. It seems a loving husband would have found a way for his wife to attend her best friends wedding. I may have missed a comment already saying this, but looking for a way to put the husband in the best possible light, does he work in a field that never had business travel? One casino is the same as another, the food isnt as good as it once was (you have to go off-strip for the REALLY good stuff), and its crazy expensive. And he needs to understand that his fears are his to manage, no matter where they are coming from. He may make it seem like you are choosing your career over your marriage, which of course causes you to feel guilty, but as my good friend said recently youre not choosing your career over him, youre choosing yourself over him. Im trying to take that advice to heart OP, hope you can too! And in small towns all over America people are being shot in churches, schools, shopping malls etc. I love New Orleans! Of course people can get into trouble in Las Vegas. And there is plenty to do besides gamble. Other than that, we gambled, we ate a lot, we walked a lot, saw a lot of family-oriented and kid-oriented activities swam in the hotels outdoor pool. If you want to take PTO and extend your trip, please let me know and we can schedule your flights accordingly., Hehe even though were in DC, Xcorp still expects our employees to behave better than the politicians. Regardless of whether the husband is trying to control you, or whether he is merely unable to overcome devastating anxiety, the effect is the same: You need to keep your job and live your life like a normal person, either so you can support him in recovering from this anxiety (pay for counseling, health insurance, treatment) or so you can escape what may very well be an abusive situation. If your husband has never traveled for business, and hasnt traveled much in his personal life, and his friends have similar life experiences, then its no wonder that hes created this scenario where all that happens in Vegas is affairs and crimes. Or the wife, for that matter. I am from Las Vegas, born and raised there. What if he dies? If your husband is really giving you a choice between staying married to him and going on a business trip, the answer may be difficult to face, but hes giving you a clear choice: You can live your life on his terms, with the threat of divorce hanging over your head if you participate in public and professional life in a way that displeases him, or live your life on your terms. I have a 3 yr old, almost 2 yr old, and 2 month old. I have horrible anxiety. Vegas isnt a magical dimension. Yeah, I hate having that thought, but that was exactly where my mind went he is freaking out because he thinks OP is going to do what he did. I know many wonderful non-abusive people who would raise a hairy eyeball over this. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation You have three options in how to proceed: (1) You could say no to the trip (a week off can be just impossible to coordinate these days! And my husband was completely fine with it. Yup, agreed. Not that it makes it ok, at all. If you miss out on a promotion or are the first let go in the layoffs because you refused to go to this conference, you will look back on this with regret. Is this the only thing he gets so on-edge about? Nope. Display any widget here. Ive visited Las Vegas several times and loved it. And in really any city, conference facilities are going to be near entertainment options that arent strictly relevant to the business conference, because thats the nature of the city. OP will just run herself ragged reinforcing his fears. Expect it to hurt, though, and to feel guilty over it. When you try to say you wont let me do something, that tells me that you think Im too incompetent to make an appropriate choice on my own, which is really disrespectful. Maybe hes an abusive dick. Its one of my spa vacation destinations. Pressuring/guilting him into not going? I think Alison handled it extremely well answering the direct AAM-style question (go on the trip for business reasons) while noting the disturbing indicators about marriage that require that kind of outside advice. And the issue was never me, or our marriage or anything like that, it was entirely a him problem, his anxiety and fear due to an accident we had Christmas eve one year. Hope you will enjoy the holiday! Its also an irrational state of fear and I think people forget what that means. Biking to work? I dont gamble but I love New Orleans it feels like an adults only carnival. Vegas has a convenient airport, massive conference facilities, and tons of hotels that cater to business travelers. Does he take this incredibly low view of your character whenever youre apart from him, or is that just a terrible assumption he makes about you when you travel to Vegas? Is this the one about the rationalist who refused to pick up broken glass? This is control issues and fear and jealousy and toxic masculinity, not a thing that needs compromising on or a relationship issue. ;). (Great people that I wish I could work with.no real role for me in what they do, though.). Life is short. If he gets therapy and can get his anxiety and toxic masculinity under control, that would be one thing. Its a lot less horrendous than deglove, whats the issue? I think the fact that hes willing to go counseling (am I reading that correctly?) There doesnt seem to be a whole lot of recognition of either here. Because my husband trusts me. I went shopping. Without any business context then yeah, lots of people would object to that. If your husband wont go to counseling, go alone. *Now having said all that, I 100% agree that the husband is over-reacting*. See a g- d- counsellor. Or his response could give her more information about what is really on her husbands mind. Since its also a town that does very well at marketing itself as a destination for conferences (their facilities and amenities are really good, and I imagine their pricing is great because of demand is high enough to keep them low) then it makes sense that your work is choosing it as a place to send the managers since it sounds like an out of town conference is generally a thing they need to do. When hed worry about what to do if, say, the house burned down while i was gone, I pointed out he could handle it just fine. But theres no need to snark at me for making/agreeing with a suggestion. But, OP, please take a hard look at your husband and his normal conduct. If his problem is that his marriage doesnt look the way a marriage is supposed to look (and lets get real here we absolutely do NOT have enough information to be as sure as you are) then a good marriage counselor can help him to readjust his notions. Before you talk with your husband, try tounderstand why hedidnt want you there. A 14 hour road trip is long enough, but it's going to be way longer than that with a 3 month old. She then decided to keep the baby's gender a secret until it was born. That leads me to believe his concerns are less altruistic. I did a big expo in Ocean City during the Spring everything was still closed, I spent a good chunk of it setting stuff up, taking stuff down, and generally stuck in a hotel and the only fun I had was going to a few restaurants and walking on the beach for half an hour. Thanks for weighing in, Working Wife; were on your side, and we hope you can resolve this. We strive to provide you with a high quality community experience. (also +1000 to RabbitRabbit for anxiety manifesting as control theyre not necessarily separate). Nah this isnt about irrational fears on his part, its about control. Hell figure something out; youll figure something out. Even emphasizing the point, like even they said theyd let their spouses go to Las Vegas. This. He should not be demanding that you refuse to go on a business trip and unleashing all of this unfounded anxiety on you. Don't exhaust yourselves. Or is he bad whenever you are off doing anything on your own? Agree that you should go to counseling by yourself if he wont go. Not everything is OMG READ GIFT OF FEAR!!! and my husbands main reaction has been I hope you have a great time, and Im glad you are not trying to get me to go too. OPs husbands friends would have a conniption if they heard about my situation! Vegas has more hotel rooms than any other city in America, and regular flights to an airport located in the city from every other major city in the country. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation If this is more an inexperience thing, it still needs to stop but I think it is less worrying than control/abuse issues. I agree. While that is a choice that some people wouldnt want to make, an annual business trip is very common. Not all of the counties decided to legalize it, and as a result there is no legal prostitution in Las Vegas or Reno. While she comes back with great stories of what she saw people doing, shes never felt in danger or anything like that. My husband usually goes on an annual drinking trip with his buddies (they all go to a particular beer festival in a nearby city). That sounds more like a problem with the type of people your employer has hired, as opposed to being a problem with Vegas. And she would always schedule conferences for her small business in Vegas, for the exact reasons you listed. And nobody is reasonably going to crazy drug orgies where they might be at risk, during a work event. Your friend is a wise woman. Something I would like you to keep in the back of your mind: I dont know whether your husband has anxiety or not, I dont know whether he is controlling or not. Vegas strip is basically just that a massive neon strip mall with lots of people. I suspect LWs husband doesnt *really* believe she will be kidnapped in Las Vegas. A month? It is not normal or rational. Its not you I dont trust, its other people.. Of course control issues are a possibility. I speak as someone whose husband is both a counselor and anxiety-sufferer. I am late to this thread but Working Wife, I want you to know that I was in a similar situation when I first married my husband he was excessively concerned with stuff like this, with the subtext that he was afraid I would cheat. My company sent managers to Las Vegas last February for a corporate business trip for three days. Indifference.